Beware Not to Compare

"Did you hear the one about the man who went to his gynecologist?" Seriously, there are more jokes floating around about sexuality than about ethnicity. And, they make us laugh, sometimes at ourselves and sometimes at others. XM Radio has an uncensored channel, 150 on that XM dial, and almost every comedy routine on that station is geared toward sexuality and sexual interactions. The concept is not new. Many of us who are willing to date ourselves remember the Mae West line, "Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you happy to see me?" And perhaps both the biggest and saddest joke is the one we play on ourselves when we compare ourselves sexually to what we know, think we know, imagine, or perceive others have, do, look like, or ways they perform.

Let's start with body image. Current media is not doing us "average Joes and Joans" any good at all. It imposes on us a illusionary standard that is neither healthy nor achievable. How many pop up ads do you get about "How to increase the size of your penis a full two inches.?" Or, what is the current misconception about women's breast size? Is it the anorexic "nipple only" or 44 D? As a family therapist I see people in my office every day who are dissatisfied to deeply depressed over the way they look as a result of comparing themselves with media created standards. So much goes into body image, from what we were told we should be, could be, would be "if only", to overt or covert suggestions/demands placed on us by our significant others, friends, or families. The most important question are these: What does your body look like, feel like, move like?, How are you using your body? Are you hiding it as a result of shame or fear of how others will react? Or are you accepting your body as it is, setting a healthy course to change those aspects that you can change in an appropriate way, and using all of your senses throughout all of your body to accept and receive pleasure from a partner, and give pleasure to that partner? This is the goal: to stop judging every aspect of our exterior shells and accept that this is who we are at this point in time and use what we have to the best of our abilities. I know, I know...much more easily said than done. But, if we set a course of daily acceptance we will be able, one day at a time, to embrace all we have to physically offer no matter what our body looks like.

Let's move on to mental images. What does your head tell you about yourself sexually. If you were a victim of lack of sexual information in your family of origin or a victim of religious puritanical lack of sexual self-acceptance, you're already starting at a deficit. If you were compared constantly to siblings, friends, or roommates, you already have some internal messages that need to be discarded and replaced with this reality: You are on your sexual journey. The goal of this journey is the ongoing realization that you are sexually perfect just as you are at this moment. You are different than you've been and different than you are going to be as you continue to accept yourself and your journey. You will rewrite the messages through your personal exploration of masturbation or sex toys, and through your sexual interactions with significant others. You will rewrite those messages one at a time. And through taking back your sexuality from the lies of history you will be able to enjoy the fullness that your sexuality has to offer.

Be safe...be sane...be sexy!