Sex and the Aging Process

"it ain't over till it's over..."

"Life is not to be lived arriving at the grave in a well-preserved body and a well pressed suit, but rather sliding in sideways at the very last moment, battered and bruised, worn out and ragged, with a big smile on our faces, screaming at the top of our longs, "Holy shit...what a ride!!!"

"What the...?" I just looked at the calendar and saw that I have another birthday coming up. In fact, although I'm not yet 60, it seems that the birthdays are coming up faster than other parts of my body these days. The fact is...I'm aging...engaged in the third half of my life physically, while my mind wants my body to believe that I'm still the young pirate I was 30 years ago. If we're going to have the best quality of life for the rest of our lives, then our changing sexuality must be put in that equation, and this article is written for those 45 years and up. So, let's talk about those "Sexy Sixties."

PMA-Not PMS

A well-known motivational speaker coined the phrase many years ago, Positive Mental Attitude. I believe, as he did, that our mental attitudes toward sexuality as we're aging play a key part in our ability to build and sustain our changing sexual and biological relationships with our partners. Let's face it, our society is not particularly kind to the older generation...those children of the 60's, flower-children, hippies, that are not in their 50's and 60's. All we need to do is watch the television commercials and see what ads are targeted toward "those people." Ads for absorption pads for leaking issues, ads for drugs to stop leakage, keep an erection ("if you experience an erection that lasts over four-hours, immediately contact your doctor"...are you kidding...I would be calling all my friends and celebrating!), ads for aging bones, osteoporosis, drugs for sleeping, drugs for getting up, drugs to make our skin look like we're 20, and drugs to make our lips fuller and take away the lines by paralyzing muscles in our face. Who thinks up this stuff? If I really want to get depressed during the evening, I'll mute the programs and watch the commercial!

This is where positive mental attitude comes in. PMA is not a denial that we are aging, nor is it permission to engage in mid-life crises prompting us to act like 25 year olds buying Crotch Rockets, DOMS (Dirty Old Men) chasing women a half their age, or "Cougars" hanging out at 20-something bars hoping some young buck finds them attractive. Positive Mental Attitude IS accepting, not always willingly, but nonetheless accepting the changes that are happening and reexamining the role of sex in our lives. This is a point where we have typically reached the pinnacle of our careers and are not as concerned about climbing the corporate ladder. It certainly is not the point where we tend to be considering having any more children and the children we have are either already out of the home and establishing their own lives or about to leave home and embark on whatever their own journey brings to them. It is a point where our most important relationships take on a more important role in our lives. And our sexual connection is one of the important ways we affirm that relationship. As one article I read put it, "Sex is a way to affirm the love of life. It is an expression of the satisfaction gained from the present. It expresses the closeness of our deepest relationships and is an important measure of the quality of life." I have a true appreciation for that sentiment, and hope The Basic Touch readers will see the merit of maintaining that attitude. So...let's look now at some of the changes that occur and how we can compensate for them.

MEN AND THE SEXUAL AGING PROCESS

The late Senator and Presidential Candidate Bob Dole was one of the first men to bring ED, Erectile Dysfunction, to the forefront as an issue for men as they aged. His bravery in participating in television ads about ED is to be commended and I am deeply grateful for his efforts. As men age, their ability to achieve and maintain an erection typically becomes more difficult. Often the erection is not as firm, does not last as long, and delayed ejaculation often presents as a symptom. The first time this happens it strikes a significant amount of fear in the male regarding his "manhood." The second or third time it happens it often becomes not only a physical manifestation of the sexual aging process, it often becomes a psychological issue as well, too many times resulting in the male's withdrawing from sexual interaction for fear of being "found out" as lacking in the sexual arena. As aging continues, ED and impotence can be compensated for with prolonged or more vigorous foreplay, focusing on the male at the beginning of the sexual encounter through oral and/or manual stimulation. Additionally, placing the more flaccid penis into a well-lubricated vagina will sometimes aid in the stimulation of the penis and result in a firmer erection.

Erection enhancing drugs have also been developed and improved over the last two decades and drug companies are investing billions of dollars toward this issue. Every day I receive between 15 and 20 emails (which, thankfully, go into my Spam file) inviting me to buy these Viagra or Cialis at wholesale costs. While some of these might be legitimate, it is always a case of "buyers beware," and the best course of action is to see your doctor for a prescription. Yes, I realize that we testerone-laden males have pride issues that can often prevent us from sharing our difficulties with our doctors, but we have to realize that the physicians who know us are best equipped to diagnosis the issue and ascertain whether or not there are other underlying medical issues that are contributing to ED or impotence, such as diabetes, stress, sleep deprivation or apnea (a malady which causes the individual to wake up numerous times during the night and leads to sleep deprivation), and other issues that impact more than just our ability to achieve and maintain an erection. A recent client of mine in his mid-fifties, came to me because he was having marital issues. As we investigated the issues, he shared that because of ED, he had stopped pursuing the sexual relationship. To make matters worse, he had not shared the reasons for his withdrawal with his partner, and she was taking the issue very personally...questioning whether or not he was having an affair, or if he just didn't find her attractive anymore or didn't love her anymore. He told me, "Doc, I couldn't get it up even if I used an erector set, but I just can't bring myself to tell her." I suggested that he see his physician to see if medication might be helpful, but he told me that he was embarrassed to talk to his doctor. Two months later he came back to see me and told me that he had finally shared the problem with his wife, that she was greatly relieved and supportive, and that they had gone to see the physician together. After several tests to rule out other issues, the doctor had prescribed Cialis and he had begun to take the medication. I about fell out of my chair laughing when he told me, "Doc...it's working. We're doing it like bunnies and having the time of our lives". There are other drugs which contain L-Arginine, an amino acid. This has been clinically proven to enhance sexual rousal in both men and women. When appropriate, the clinically tested and FDA approved drugs are often the best bet in compensating for ED or impotence. Additionally, there are sexual aids for men, such as a "cock ring", which comes with or without an external stimulator to give both the man and the woman additional stimulation. The cock ring is a pliable ring that, when slipped over a partially erect penis, prevents the flow of blood to the penis from leaving, helping to maintain the erection. Come on, guys...give yourself every opportunity to increase the quality of your sexual life for the rest of your life!

WOMEN AND THE SEXUAL AGING PROCESS

Many women confuse changes occurring during the natural course of aging with lack of desire. The "feelings" change and therefore a woman is prone to falsely believe that they simply have lost sexual desire. While this may, at times, be the case, I believe that more often there are physical changes that are not noted, admitted, or understood that lend to this dilemma.

Menopause is the single greatest factor for women when it comes to the impact of aging on sexuality. Menopause has an impact on sexual responsiveness, arousal, and desire. Research indicate that menopause even alters the vaginal area itself, "often contributing to the thinning and shortening of the vaginal wall, and decreased lubrication. This is sometimes accompanied by the decrease in the size of the vagina. Fatty deposits found in the labia majora are lost causing a typically smaller vagina than in earlier life. The combination of reduced lubrication and a smaller vagina may make coitus (intercourse) uncomfortable" and even painful, creating a fear of intercourse. To compensate for this, there are many lubricants available to aid in creating a more pleasurable sexual experience. Some of these lubricants come with warming elements, some that create a "tingling" sensation, and there are even more recent developments in lubrication that have separate properties which work together to enhance the experience for both individuals; a lubricant for men and a lubricant for women that when, coming into contact with one another during intercourse, combine to greatly enhance the sexual experience. As was mentioned in the section regarding men, products which contain the non-essential amino acid L-Arginine, can increase the blood flow to the vaginal region enhancing sexual sensitivity and contributing to sexual desire.

The positive mental attitude of women toward menopause is also a significant factor. Menopause is a natural part of the aging process...not a punishment for women who desire an ongoing and satisfying sexual life. When seen in that light and accompanied with the latest and greatest of what sexual research has to offer, there is no reason for a decrease in either sexual desire or satisfying sexual function.

Let's face it...none of us is getting any younger, but we can continue to get "sexier" and continue on a gratifying sexual journey throughout ALL the stages of our life. And remember...no matter how old you are...BE SAFE, BE SANE...AND BE SEXY.